Here we are, on day 49 of Shelter in Place, and this is my first post on my blog, since February.
Honestly, what is wrong with me? I have endless hours, practically alone in my house all day (kids doing online school, and the mister working in his sparkling new home office AKA corner of our bedroom) and I go to bed exHAUSTED*. I'm sleeping hard, and I'm having straight-up anxiety dreams, too. Most of the dreams have some element of shopping, or rather walking around Target browsing and touching every single item.
(*FWIW I really, really wanted to add "Y'all" to the end of that sentence. Most social media-ing and blogging seem to include "Y'all" lately. I'm from California, and it would make much more sense for me to end sentences with "Dude", but here we are, Y'all.)
I should be writing. I should be doing work with the FOUR completed manuscripts just hanging out watching Netflix with me. I'm super distracted for some reason, though. Also, I keep falling into the internet shopping hole. It's dangerous, too, 'cause it's like rubbing a genie lamp. You practically just show a hint of interest in something and then Poof! it shows up on your porch.
I've been attempting to stay away from actual shopping, but there's still a ton of Oh Look At That-ing every advertisement that comes my way. Let me tell you: Big Brother totally has me figure out, because pretty much everything I'm being shown appeals to some aspect of my bizzare-o personality. Roller skates from 1907? WANT! That magnetic eyeliner/eyelash kit? PLEASE? Potholders with filthy sayings on them? COME TO MAMA.
And then there's the stuff from Wish.com.
Now, I'm not actually allowed to shop on that website, anymore. Ever since Christmastime when over 20 items arrived in our mailbox from Wish in one day, I have been instructed to no longer patronize them, and to just look away. I do, most of the time. Okay, okay: Sometimes. But I don't buy anything.
I mean, how can a reasonably curious person look away from this?:
What are these??? Cute, pink doobies? I'm dying to know! Somebody buy some so you can tell me what they are!
Is this a... what? A giant... small intestine pillow?
C'mon: $15 for a human-size body pillow is a steal. Even for a gross one.
TWO DOLLARS?! Do you SEE the size of this f*cken strawberry? If I were still a Wish shopper, I'd buy the damn thing -- just to see how they ship it from China!
This one is tricky. It looks sort of like it's free, which makes me think it's a real-life haunted Chucky doll, and they're trying to trick someone into adopting it. This is part of the Wish fun, though, because this guy could be five inches tall or five feet tall, and you wouldn't really know until the mail carrier knocked at your door.
A five-inch Chucky might be funny, but a five-foot one could murder you, amiright?
Can they really beat the average Maruchan price of -- what, like, 29 cents a bag? Since it's from Wish it could turn up, and actually be tiny noodles for Barbie, or a Maruchan pillow, or something... Damn, now I'm curious.
There are lots of questionable items being advertised to me, by this site. I included this particular one, because I love how they included rain, like it's the Flashdance version of bike testicle photography. Did the PR firm suggest this? Did the ad photographer suggest it? "Hey, know what'll sell these bicycle balls? RAIN."
$4 sounds like a great price, but if you buy these I will never, ever be able to look at you.
Especially if you're sitting on the seat with the sack.
