Anyway, I'll be forty-three this month, and I'm finding myself wallowing in that place where my head is telling me I should be trying a little bit harder. My head isn't always as kind or quiet as I wish it could be.
It also really, really likes Groupon.
It convinced me to buy a spray tan, a while back. The problem is that it was a freakishly rainy day and I couldn't get out to the car without my skin looking like I was melting candles on it. The Groupon was for a tanning studio kind of far away so by the time I got home I felt worse than my head had me believing I looked when I bought the damn thing. I stood, nearly nude and totally self-conscious, while a tiny, gorgeous, blonde teenager sprayed me like an awkward, apologetic canvas -- and I had nothing to show for it but a lost couple of hours and uneven skin tone.
This is not actually me, but this is exactly what my arms and face looked like
You might think I'd find a life lesson in there, somewhere, but of course not.
My head was wandering around Groupon again, only this time it bought eyelash extensions.
I've wanted to try eyelash extensions for a while, now (don't ask me why -- I honestly have no idea). They're really expensive, though, and that's something my head and I agreed on. We found a good deal and decided to give it a try.
The studio was adorable, all pink feathers and black and white damask. The woman assigned to me was personable and spunky. She spent an hour and a half gluing eyelashes to my face, while narrating the process and telling amusing anecdotes. Her music selection evoked the relaxation of being at a spa. Lots of Enya and Celine Dion. It was actually pretty enjoyable.
I might be digging this eyelash extension thing.
"All done!" She handed me a mirror.
I loved the results: Very natural, but still glamorous! Yes!
This actually is me!
Then she told me the rules:
1. You must buy this special lash cleanser for $21.75
2. You have to sleep on your back from now on
3. Don't touch your eyes
4. Don't wear eye makeup
5. Don't get your face wet
6. Don't do anything that will make you sweat (did I mention that I'm 43? And it's June?)
7. Schedule a "refresher" appointment for two weeks from today. That'll be another $60
Also, have I considered having my eyebrows tattooed for $500?!?!
By rule #3 I realized I wasn't an eyelash extension kind of girl.
For some reason I booked the refresher appointment, anyway.
It's been exactly one week, and already my lashes are starting to look weird. I've lost more hairs on the left side than the right. I'm not sleeping well because I'm a die-hard, hug-your-extra-pillow-to-your-chest-and-lay-on-your-side kind of sleeper. And I have an almost constant headache because those suckers are heavy.
You'll have to excuse me, while I cancel next week's appointment and tell my traitorous brain that if it feels compelled to do any Grouponing it's got to stick to restaurants for the rest of the summer.
