The "I Don't Cook" Cook

I've always been a bad cook. Food scares me. Well, no, food doesn't scare me -- believe you me, I LOVE food. The pressure of preparing it scares me:  I don't know what to make and I don't know how to make it and I don't know which ingredients are the best to use. 

My mom likes to tell people about the time I left the plastic wrap on the top of the Pyrex dish when I pulled the meatloaf out of the fridge and put it in the oven (yummm shrink-wrapped meatloaf). Another time I turned the water off when she was making hard-boiled eggs because the water had begun to boil. I didn't know it was supposed to do that.

Luckily, there's this newfangled thing called the World Wide Web and the youngsters tell me there are plenty of ideas hiding within. Maybe you've heard of it.

I think that throughout the years it became less about my lack of kitchen skills and more about being lazy and not even trying to learn any. It's really, really easy to say, "Yeah, I don't cook, sooooooo..." when I sign up to bring tortilla chips and a jar of Pace salsa to a potluck.

I wanna be the girl who brings the amazing little appetizers with the fancy filo shells filled with life-changing morsels -- and everybody tries to pretend they haven't eaten more than their share.

Well, I have to start somewhere. I have been looking for inspiration from good ole Google. I love being able to type CARB FREE DINNERS and find dozens of suggestions.

I found a few recipes for low-carb Caprese chicken breasts, and I cherry-picked what I liked from them to make them into one dish of awesome cheese and tomato-ness.

I like this picture because it sort of looks like I have it together

I don't

I didn't take a picture of the part where I asked my mother-in-law for some basil from her backyard when I stopped by after work to pick up my dog (my in-laws are the best doggie grandparents). I realized I didn't have any when I scrolled through my list of ingredients at the end of my shift.

Also not pictured is the moment I was about to cook and found out I had about four drops of balsamic vinegar left and had to run to the grocery store.

My weak points during this dinner challenge:

1) Accidentally not being prepared

2) Underestimating the time needed for this dish's preparation

(I'm learning that a meal that's supposed to take 35 minutes will inevitably take longer for this novice)

3) My raw chicken phobia

(My husband has to remind me, on occasion, that it is actually food I'm dealing with -- not toxic waste. I usually have a number of bleach-based products standing at attention for when the raw bird portion of the evening has concluded)

Raw chicken aside, this was making me hungry

What I really wanted to do was show this photo to you so you'd think I was some sort of natural at stuffing chicken breasts. A stuffing-and-rolling-wiz, if you will:

Look at those artsy little tomatoes scattered about

This one looks pretty okay, too

Then there's this beast. 

This breast has no shame, whatsoever:  Look at the cheese poking out like it's trying to squeeze its way to freedom.

It looks like a cartoon suitcase being held shut with a bungee cord.

*This is the one most representative of my true kitchen skills so I'm gonna wear this badge with pride bursting forth like the mozzarella and sun dried tomatoes are exploding out of that chicken.

Time to put these bad boys in a pan

Now I transfer the pan to the oven

Looks delicious, right?

Side note:

I wasn't trying to use the candle to enhance my photograph. It was just there. Really and truly. And don't think I'm trying to be fancy by showing you my Yankee Candle Company purchase. I love their candles, but come on, twenty-eight bucks for a candle?!

I bought mine at TJ Maxx for $13.

I made some zucchini for our side dish (nothing special, just loads of butter, sea salt, and cracked pepper)

VOILÀ

Here's what it looks like inside

This was really, truly delicious

(Sort of like a) Recipe:

Chicken breasts

Mozzarella

Fresh basil

Parsley

Minced garlic

Salt

Pepper

Jar of sun dried tomatoes in oil

Cherry or grape tomatoes

Cooking string

Olive oil

Balsamic vinegar

(Loosely Constructed) Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees 

2. Make a pocket in your chicken breasts

3. Rub them with the oil from the sun dried tomatoes (inside the pocket, too)

4. Stuff your chicken with mozzarella, tomatoes, basil, and parsley, Salt, and Pepper

 (I sliced up three fresh mozzarella balls to distribute between the three breasts, and I sort of eye-balled the other ingredients and decided what looked good to me. Very scientific, yes)

5. Attempt to tie them up

6. Put them in a pan (I used a cast iron pan so it could go straight into the oven, as opposed to having to transfer the breasts) coated with olive oil

7. Brown the chicken on both sides (a recipe I was pseudo-following said 2-3 minutes each side, but I ended up doing it for longer)

8. Put the chicken in the oven

I felt like 20 minutes would be good -- it was (but I did cut into the biggest breast to make sure all the pinkness was gone)

9. While the breasts are in the oven, make your balsamic reduction (I had to google "balsamic reduction" because I'd never paid much attention to "reductions" before!) and add the minced garlic about halfway through. One of the recipes said to add brown sugar. I didn't -- low carb won't stand for brown sugar

*REDUCTION:  Basically, you bring your vinegar to a boil. Then you turn it down to medium and stir it until it's reduced to about half of what you started with. Apparently you have to pay attention or it will turn into a mess.

10. Panic about the germs left behind by the raw chicken and bleach the heck out of your cutting board and countertops