Lazy, Nasty Low-Carb Hacks

DISCLAIMER:  I am not a thin person, nor am I pretending to be one. I am not even close to being a nutritionist, either. However, after two decades of being in and out of the Low-Carb lifestyle (there are different methods), I've learned that it is the quickest, most reliable, and most enduring way for me to lose weight and keep it off (sometimes for years at a time).

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER:  These are merely suggestions. I realize that they aren't the healthiest ideas. These are meant for those moments of weakness that could easily turn into an "Oh, why am I doing this, anyway" moment, with a side of funnel cake.

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I recently gained ten pounds.

Back.

I had been on a low-carb diet since February, but (as I always eventually do) I wondered why I was depriving myself of all those carbs. YOLO, right? I mean, society puts too much emphasis on weight! I deserve some crusty sourdough, dammit!

This always happens. My dear friend likes to remind me that the corndog is my gateway drug. a few years ago our families were in Disneyland together and I decided to treat myself to a breakfast corndog, after two years on a strict, low-carb diet. I mean, seriously -- a DISNEYLAND CORNDOG:  One of the wonders of the world, but edible. 

Who else loves that fried little finger on the end that you only get if you're lucky?

That afternoon (after the corn dog morning), I treated myself to a roll (or two) at Blue Bayou while watching the  honorary pirate families float by. A Mickey ice cream was the next day. Three months later I was thirty-five pounds heavier and miserable.

Once again, I found myself on the same slippery slope and I didn't even wait for the corndog. So I've hopped back onto the high-fat, low-carb horse.

I'm going to offer you a glimpse into my down and dirty, nasty list of low-carb hacks. I'm by no means a nutritionist. Some of my "tricks" are probably shockingly unhealthy. I'm just trying to find things that work when I am stressed, hurried, and feeling resentful about not eating carbs. I am essentially a lazy person, where food is involved. I'm getting better. I'm learning to cook. Sometimes, though, convenience is an excellent motivator.

COFFEE

Atkins encourages the dieter to try to eschew coffee. You'll have so much energy, you won't even need caffeine the book says. I say, "If I don't get caffeine I might cut you." Well, since my coffee is the same as when my Lulu took me to the symphony with her cronies and let me dump mass quantities of sugar and creamer into it (age 11), I have to be careful about what I use to fix it up.

It turns out that Splenda actually has about 1/3 of a carb per packet. If you use SIX packets, as I do, it really adds up. Especially if you drink several cups per day and you're limiting your carbs to around thirty each day. After some research I found that Truvia has zero carbs. At first glance it looks like 2 carbs, but they are entirely sugar alcohol -- SAFE! Most sweeteners have zero carbs in liquid form. It's getting harder to find those, though.

I love lots of creamer. Half and half is fairly low in carbs if it's your only choice. However, I found this brand of heavy whipping cream and it has ZERO. Most have at least one carb per serving -- so be careful. Read your labels. Since I like coffee to look like Lulu's always did ("Make it the color of pantyhose, dear.") I stock up on my special stuff.

FOOD

Breakfast is pretty easy, right? Eggs, eggs, eggs (add some cheese if you'd like) and BACON, BACON, BACON!

Dinner is kinda okay, too:  Meat and veggies (full fat if you're eating salad dressing -- Caesar and Ranch are best) and butter. Don't forget the butter!

Lunch, however, can be a big pain in the tuchus. If you don't have time to prepare something in the morning (or the night before) you might find yourself in a panic. You might turn to an evil sandwich or (god forbid) a pile of french fries. Then it's off to the races...

Here is a list of incredibly low-carb lunches. Some of them are incredibly nasty. Maybe I'm not proud, but they do the trick, keep me in line, and give me a chance to try harder next time.

LUNCH HACKS

Costco sells a variety of salads (two or more
to a package). The Caprese salads are so delish. The only problem is the carbs in the balsamic dressing. I try to only use a few drops and add salt and pepper.

My freezer is often stocked with cheapo pizzas. Tony's are sometimes two for $4 (sure beats Round Table prices). If I'm craving pizza (or recently suffered through a pizza night with friends by subsisting on witty conversation) I'll heat one up and scrape of the toppings. What do you get? Pizza Casserole! Depending on the toppings you can eat the whole thing (or save some for later).

Did you know that Togo's will make pretty much any sandwich into a salad? I even ask for their spread (mayo. It's mayo) for my dressing -- and it tastes just like a #24 (that's a turkey and avocado). I mean look at this:

Looks good, right? Just ditch the bun and chow down

I'm pretty sure everyone knows about In N Out's Double Double, Protein Style. If you're doing low-carb, though, and you're feeling really, REALLY hungry, deprived, and desperate -- you can eat a couple at a time. Sounds kind of gross, but I've done it (and lost weight that day):

Did you know that Carl's Jr. also offers the burger without the bun? It's a totally different burger than In N Out. If you're craving more of a BBQ burger, Carl is your man (just be careful to choose one without BBQ sauce -- it is full of sugar):

OK, here's probably my grossest hack. If you're driving around, freaking out that you have no lunch, and you spy a Taco Bell, grab three or four tacos, dump them out -- and Voila:  Taco Salad. Don't forget to ask for a fork.

I totally lied. That wasn't my grossest hack. My truly most disgusting hack would be the 7-11 hotdog (no bun, of course). Nasty. And delicious if you're super hungry -- and there is a 7-11 on almost every corner. They also have several flavors of string cheese, by the package.

MOVIE THEATER (Bonus Round)

I used to get sad when I was going to the movies because no popcorn for me. Movie hotdogs are only slightly less disgusting than 7-11 hotdogs. And by disgusting I mean, "I think I have to say disgusting because what kind of adult actually likes hotdogs that roll around on heated tubes all day." By disgusting I mean yummy.

I like to bring these items with me, as well:

See how this looks like a rabid beast ripped it open? Well, I am that beast. 

You can eat 5 of these little babies for one carb. It looks like a lot of carbs when you read the back, but most of the carbs are sugar alcohols and you can also subtract the fiber.

*A word of warning to those with sensitive tummies. These can make your insides into a coffee percolating machine so maybe try a couple to begin with.

I love these, too, because I used to eat Junior Mints at the movies. You can have three of these and they're pretty big!

Confession:  I don't wait to go to the movies to eat these. I often make myself a little bowl of chocolates when I watch TV at night.

Now go forth good low-carbers! Don't forget to share your hacks with me!